Another Story
by bingbingwahoo
Summary: Ben fears he will snap Rey into two if provoked, but he thinks it will be a shame to destroy something that beautiful. AU Reylo, Ben/Rey


**a/n - Hi, this is something I've worked on for a while. I usually write for Avatar: The Last Airbender, but this has been nagging at me. I'm going to ride this ship til I crash. I am fully prepared for this to be an incest pairing in the future. I'll probably be really, really sad about it later, but for now I choose to be ignorant.**

 **AU - Ben and Rey are the same age. Don't ask me how.**

 **warning - I enjoy writing Ben/Kylo because I can tap into really dark themes. If you feel uncomfortable with dark or disturbing thoughts, don't read this fic. If you want a realistic and nitty-gritty take on his struggles with darkness, then this is your fic.**

* * *

He wants so badly to be good.

From the time that he is an infant, he is told that he is meant to do great things. The tales of heroes from a time before his own fill his imagination as a child. He spends much of his youth being tossed between two parents who show him two worlds. His mother shuffles between being his guiding beacon in life and a stressful political agenda. Never-ending meetings and a dedication to something bigger than her own son leaves the relationship between both Ben and Leia Organa strained. When his father will briefly stay on the same terrestrial planet as he does, Ben wants so desperately for his father to love him in all the ways that his mother never had the time for. But Han Solo is a busy man, and even a huge Wookie cannot fill the place in Ben Solo's heart where his father should be.

Ben goes on his first ride in the Falcon when he turns 4. It is maybe the dozenth time that his father has come to visit. The previous occasions had not lasted more than a month at a time, but Han is still a sort of mythical and legendary creature in Ben's mind. The smuggler shows off unique cargo to the child each time he lands, and Ben finds himself daydreaming about the sort of surprises that his father will bring next time. The Falcon's interior is not unfamiliar to the child, having spent many afternoons lying about the rooms as either Han or Chewbacca worked on the ship's never-ending cycle of maintenance.

Han plops Ben down into his lap as he mans the controls, flicking switches in perfect sync with the great furry creature beside him. They take off slowly, and Ben watches the familiar buildings of his home get smaller and smaller until all he can see is the green of the trees and the black of the tarmac. He can barely contain his excitement as the Falcon clears the planet and his father initiates hyperdrive. The stars become lines outside of the windows of the aging spacecraft.

He thinks this is going to be a new beginning of adventure with his father. That his mother would let him go for months at a time, just as she allows his father to do. It is only natural, in Ben's mind, that this is the progression of things. But Leia is unrelenting when Han asks for his son to join him around age 7, and she does not allow her child to face the same dangers that Han has lived through. Ben watches as the Falcon leaves without him, a small child with black curly hair watching the ship disappear as a fleck in the sky. Han Solo does not wake him that morning to say goodbye.

Leia realizes her mistake too late, sending Han away and leaving the growing boy alone without a male presence in his life. He becomes awkward and unruly at times, acting out more often than not. Unable to contact Han due to her swelling pride, she seeks out her brother, Luke. Luke is balanced and disciplined. Most importantly, he is a Jedi. Leia hopes that he can calm the ocean of conflict brewing within her son.

He has met Ben twice before, once when he was just a newborn, and the other time upon his first birthday. Ben does not know this man as his uncle. Instead, he's a man from his bedtime stories come to life. He learns that others must have been told the same stories, because Luke Skywalker is a man of great respect. Even the men who will snicker behind the back of his own mother afford Luke the respect of royalty. To Ben, he is like an exotic creature brought here from across the galaxy. Everybody wants to get a look at Luke before he's gone.

Ben respects Luke because the others do. If not begrudgingly. He wants so badly to be good, but he just isn't very good at it. He gets in trouble for breaking curfew more than a few times, but Master Luke is always able to find him somehow. Another time he hotwires a military cruiser and crashes it into a towering pine tree before he can get very far. He thinks his father would be proud, but the first message he gets is a hologram with Han berating him for his little folly. Ben is a troublemaker, graduating from petty crimes to grand theft. But it doesn't mean he stops doing it. Something calls for him to leave this planet.

They have always known he is force-sensitive. He may have never shown it, but Leia and Luke sense it from a young age - the way the force has a presence inside of him. For once, Leia and Han agree on something with their son: they do not wish for him to become a Jedi. Luke respects this wish until Leia, without Han Solo's input, tells Luke to take her son and transform him into something useful. Han Solo doesn't fight it because he is somewhere on the other side of the galaxy.

Ben is elated when he learns he is going to leave the planet. He has dreamed of this since he was a infant, but as events unravel around him, he knows in his heart he will still feel empty. What Ben Solo really wants is for his father to take him somewhere - anywhere - and to feel the void in his chest fill. Instead, Luke and a dozen other young pupils his age leave for a distant planet where they will train.

At first Ben thinks that this is what he is missing - a group to belong to. The Force calls to him, and he answers. It obeys him in ways his own impulses, emotions, and trailing thoughts never could. For once he is able to excel at something and not just be a fuck-up. He is by far the best of the students that Luke has gathered. But Luke Skywalker does not praise easily, and his teachings are repetitive and tedious. He wishes to skip these basic lessons that the rest of the group is still stuck on perfecting. He wishes to do more, to fight with his newfound skills and to build a lightsaber of his own. Luke preaches patience though, and Ben regresses to his old behaviors.

At night he looks to the sky, sometimes dreaming Han Solo will pick him up and take him away from this lonely place. It is better than a mother who never had time for him, but it is still not where he belongs. Luke is trying to balance him inside, not understanding that Ben Solo was never complete in the first place. He is unruly and growing more each day he endures under Luke's tutelage.

Luke's Jedi 'school' is located in a lush forest planet. It has mountains ripe for climbing and rivers and lakes clean enough to drink from. The native population stays far away from them, and Luke ensures the safety of the planet. It grows at first as a large grouping of tents gathered around a shuttle. Eventually a small building is build to house technical equipment, but for the most part Luke pushes living on the land without luxury.

He wants so badly to be good, but he is so far undone - so unbalanced in ways that not even Luke could understand. His heart and his mind tear in two different directions. He knows he shouldn't start fires in Luke's ship to delay him from leaving to pick up more students, but he does. He is all but certain Luke knows it was him, but he will never admit it. He knows he shouldn't lose control when fighting against his fellow students, but he does. His classmates scream "Yield!" and he continues to push, his wooden makeshift sword clubbing at the small girl in the fetal position. He is pulled off by Luke himself.

She looks up at him with fear in her eyes, clutching her side where he had relentlessly beaten her. He doesn't care, in his eyes she should have won if she did not wish to get hurt. Ben Solo is 14, and he's becoming a monster despite his mother's best intentions. The next round, the girl surprises him by overcoming the pain and this time deflecting his jab. His long, gangly, limbs are not ready to move this quickly, and he falls onto his back. He does not complain when she gets one good whack to his head before turning back and ending her turn. Its takes Ben a week to realize this girl is in the same group as him because she is the same age, despite their vast difference in size.

He senses he is different than the rest of them. While they are all steadily walking the road down Luke's provided path, Ben sees two paths. He sees Luke's slow and winding path, one that consists of trials and repetition. It is a road of hard work and sweat equity. But the other path is straightforward, and builds up speed quickly. He is too blind to see the pain and sacrifice involved in this path.

The girl is called Rey. He doesn't ask her, he doesn't dare to. He instead overhears one of the others call her name and she turns immediately to answer. She is new here, having been picked up by Luke after the resistance somehow got in contact with her. He remembers the first day he sees her, getting off of the shuttle by his Master's side. Luke says something to her before pointing in his direction, where he is pretending to meditate on a huge stone.

She walks up to him and hands him a letter when his face immediately turns into a scowl. His mother's handwriting is on the outside of the folded paper. She didn't even afford him the service of a hologram after all these years. He throws the note the ground before deliberately stepping on it and stomping off. He holds a lot of resentment when it comes to his parents and he owes nothing to this girl.

He can't remember when he started hearing the voices. The trusting rumble of a dark figure, an unspoken and silent promise that this voice can fill the void within him. He spends hours at night pretending to sleep, instead listening to conversations in his mind. Emotions build inside him that prompt him to gain contempt for his master. Thoughts swirl that Luke is holding him back on purpose, that he does not trust Ben enough to hold true power. He believes them.

The girl is the only one who can match him in his use of the Force. Even then, she is incredibly outmatched when it comes to his physical size advantage. She becomes Luke's favorite, and for that he _hates_ her. He hates that she is everything he is not. She is perfect, and he hates it.

He would give anything to be good, but instead he is full of hate.

He finds her alone. Master Luke has gone on his shuttle to ferry a new set of recruits to the planet from various Resistance bases. This usually takes a week or so, as there seems to be a vetting process. Ben isn't sure what is required to pass though, as he never had to go through it. Ben wonders if Luke ever regrets just letting him into this little sanctuary.

She is practicing forms like the good, perfect student she is. She always devotes her free time to these mindless basics - even when Luke is not around. It pisses him off that he has to be around someone so genuine, and he has no idea why. She has a blue collar work ethic while he sits and bides his time and saves his energy for sparring. He listens to the voices in his head, and wonders sometimes if he is going crazy or if this is just something that comes naturally with the force. Perhaps Luke does not feel he is competent enough to tap into this technique yet. He is determined to prove his master wrong.

He gets a letter when he turns 15 from his father. It holds a picture of both of his parents. Leia is leaning her head on Han's shoulder. And they're so young and in love. They're somewhere in the Falcon, he can tell by the background. He guesses that Chewie is the one who took the photo. It occurs to Ben that this is the first time he has seen his parents together not scowling at each other or arguing. He wonders if his life would have been different if the feeling they were feeling in this photo continued. If his parents did not allow themselves to be separated by lightyears and instead just for once, tried to take up the charade of being a complete family. He puts the photo under his pillow, not wanting to place it with the rest of his meager belongings. This is special. It captures a simpler time.

Luke has he and Rey spar more often. She is catching up to him quickly, finding methods to use his momentum against him as they battle. She is far more nimble and quick than he is, and her balance is impeccable. They are still using wooden weapons, even after all of these years of training. Rey dances around him before he strikes, knocking her back with brute force. He is seething as she trips him at the same time with her staff. It is much longer than his. While he holds his stick like a sword, she uses two hands and can extend it so that her reach is even longer than his.

"Why do you hate me?" she asks him after he gathers his bearings from his place on the ground. The wind is knocked out of him, and he feels his anger boiling within him.

He gives her no answer. If he opens his mouth now he will call her names so foul that his own mother fly over and punish him herself.

The small grouping of tents has grown and shrunk over the past few years. Some did not complete their training, dropping out of the program. To be a Jedi was an extreme commitment. Under normal circumstances this would not have been acceptable, but Luke is the last of his kind - and he understands more than most that destiny is a tough thing to follow.

They go on long hikes each day. Ben is always one of the first in the group, choosing to scout ahead. Rey follows him step for step though and it annoys him. She tries to begin small talk with him, but he doesn't care much for her and the way she is so interested in him. He wishes she would bother another student.

"I used to live on a desert planet called Jakku. We didn't have mountains, just dunes and sand as far as the eye can see. Climbing uphill on sand is a bit like climbing up a mountain though."

He pretends to not hear her, grabbing the flask of water from his satchel and drinking nearly half the contents. Rey persists with her talking despite him clearly wanting nothing to do with her.

"You just drank more water than I would drink in days on Jakku" is the only thing she adds after watching some of the water pour over his lips and down his chin. He is parched, and he doesn't think twice about it. During the rest of their hike and in future hikes he notices that she rarely, if ever, drinks from her flask. She is afraid of running out, he realizes. He has found his first imperfection in her, and for some reason this only makes him want to find more. As if proving it to the world will fix everything that is wrong with his life.

He finds other imperfections within her. She hates to be alone. Whatever baggage she holds from her time before joining Luke is evident. Whenever their master is away she does not leave his side. She does not bother him with idle thoughts, but instead becomes silent company that becomes more familiar than his own shadow. Her beige clothing moves out of the corner of his eye and follows him when he goes to eat or goes to fetch fresh water from the river for the camp.

He finds that she too cheats in meditation, her mind wandering to other places. Even with her yards away from him he can tell by the ways her eyes flicker underneath her eyelids that she is imagining she is somewhere else. He knows this because he too does it. He wants to be in Han Solo's ship, once again just 4 years old and not a worry in the world. He wonders where she disappears to in her mind.

He feels something different between them one day. Maybe it's the way that Luke is having them spar today, with hand-to-hand combat mixed with the force. They have officially only learned very basic techniques, but Ben has taken initiative and experimented on his fellow students at times.

Once again, he has the upper-hand in their sparring. He is a towering opponent, adept at his footwork and roaring for violence inside. He finds himself pushing Rey down to the ground with an easy shove, and then sending a prompt push of energy to keep her from leaping back up. He proceeds to strike her, pummeling her blindly with the rage he feels burning inside of him. He strikes her side and back, her arms crossed over her head to shield it from the worse of his blows. He debates on kicking her before something snaps inside of him and he realizes that what he is doing is wrong.

He can practically feel the fear and pain he has caused this girl, and he is certain she will be nursing bruises on her ribs tomorrow. The pain he has caused her thus far has never caused any conflict within him up until now. Now, he feels two sides of himself warring. One side holds him in with restraint, telling him that nothing will come of sending his fury at her. The other side thirsts to see more violence, egging him on and wishing for blood. It's practically insatiable.

She is bruised and bleeding from her lip when she stands, her eyes wide and her face fierce. This is not like before when she huddled into the fetal position on the ground year ago when they first met though. It is different. A sort of defiance lives inside of her that dares him to continue, unrelenting and sturdy in its roots. She looks to Ben and wipes the blood off of her face before she waits for him to attack again. He obliges.

They hate each other, he is certain about it. But they can't seem to stay away from each other. Even on days they opt to avoid each other they find their trails crossing in the woods, or their chores overlapping. He cannot avoid her. Even on an entire planet, they cannot seem to find their own privacy. He wonders at times if it is Luke's doing. If their constant togetherness is a manufactured coincidence with ulterior motives. They wake each day bright and early, both of them seeming to be programmed into the same biological clock. He tried to change his sleeping schedule up so that he spends his nights alone and has more time avoiding her. In the end, she has trouble sleeping the second night he tries this new method and she ends up sitting beside the fire with him all night.

He finds himself knowing more about her than he has ever wanted to, and yet not enough at the same time. She has no family. She survived in dire circumstances. She loves the smell of the lilacs that grow by the river. She has never eaten fruit before coming to their planet. He finds himself both admiring and loathing everything she is to him. A constant reminder of how inadequate his own efforts have been.

He talks to her (without prompting from Luke) for the first time when he is 16. He receives a bottle of some sort of liquid from his father and a small note from his mother. He discards the note and opts to try the bottle. A few sips in and his inhibition leaves him and he feels like his conscience is being pulled into the darkest regions of his mind. He saunters out of his tent, the bottle now stashed away with his belongings. He sees Rey by the fireside, sitting quietly roasting some game. His mind doesn't think - it just _does_ \- and he finds himself standing above her and staring.

"No one would hear you," he whispers his eyes half lidded and his voice slurring. He is drunk for the first time.

She looks to him in confusion, surprised by the deepness and timbre of his voice. "Pardon?" she questions him, looking back up above her shoulder where he gives her an unsettling stare.

"If I killed you right here, no one would hear you. I could do horrible things..." his voice wanders off, and she isn't sure what to say. Rey isn't aware of just how unhinged and cluttered his mind is. She doesn't realize the horrible things the voices tell him he is capable of doing. The things they say to do to _her_.

"Go to bed, Ben," she tells him weakly, but he does not budge.

"You have no idea," he laughs before kneeling next to her, "I'd do it. I'd do it and I wouldn't care. The things I'm capable of are unimaginable."

She stands her ground, unwilling to give up ground to his threats. He feels how balanced she is, and it frightens him. It frightens him to know that she is like that inside, and he's just broken and split into a million pieces. She's so fucking frustrating. She knows he doesn't have the guts. She's right.

"I hate you," he seethes in pain before leaving.

He returns to his tent and takes the bottle, stalking back to the fire with the neck of it in his hand. He gives himself a few steps to build momentum before throwing it into the fire. Rey is the only one who sees his little tantrum, and for that he is grateful. He prays she does not make mention to their master.

The next day they finally receive lightsabers, but Ben is suffering a hangover. His head is throbbing and the last thing he wishes to hear is Luke's voice going over how great of an honor that this step is. All of his warnings about the abuse of power and the importance of restraint go in one ear and out the other for him. Despite this, Ben is quite sure he is putting up a good enough charade.

Her lightsaber is blue, and it is given first. Luke tells her it was once wielded by the master of his father, a man who perished at the hands of Darth Vader. The name resonates with Ben, as he has not heard many stories about his grandfather. The voices in his head nag him to learn more. He knows of the man whose saber she is holding. His namesake, Obi-Wan Kenobi. His saber is green, and Luke mentions that it too is a relic, although he will not give Ben anymore information other than that. Ben feels slighted.

They spar with the weapons under Master Luke's careful watch. Rey has restraint when she attacks, full of grace. She is a blue-collared prodigy. He is just a disappointment. Ben's attacks are forceful and propelled by something darker. He wants to cause as much destruction as possible, and he wants to be able to see it. Rey is the first to pay for his recklessness. She is swiped on the arm, a shocked shriek and look of disbelief on her face. As if she still believed he would not hurt her.

Luke commands them to stop, and orders Ben to leave camp and to cool down. He watches as Luke administers bacta to the spot carefully, giving her a small reassurance. Her wound doesn't bleed, it just sears. Ben isn't sure if he wanted it to bleed or not. The voices were in command of his pounding head, and he slips into the edge of the forest, wielding his saber and fighting against innocent trees as if they were the reason for all his troubles.

He returns to camp later that evening when the rest of his fellow pupils are eating. Rey, in all her glory, has hunted a large boar down for dinner. It is a welcome change from the pre-packaged rations and small garden that Luke has supplied them with. He sits in silence around the fire, pride too injured to take part in the meal supplied by _her._

He hates many parts about Rey. She is the bane of his existence most days. His life has been filled with 'what ifs', but the idea he zeroes in on most of all is what if she never left Jakku? He would not have to compete with her. He would be balanced, wouldn't he? The voices remind him day after day that she is the reason for his pain and his humiliation. The voices are always right.

However, part that he hates the most about Rey is that she still sees something in him, when no one else will. His own father left him with his mother, giving up on him. Then when he became too much for his mother, she had sent him to Luke. He doubts Luke has ever given him a fair shake. It almost hurts that the pathetic scavenger from Jakku that he abuses daily will not quit on him.

He no longer dreams of Han Solo and the Millennium Falcon taking him somewhere else. He has given up on that silly dream. Instead, he lies awake at night knowing he is alone, and that he will be alone forever. He is 17, and he is lost.

Ben feels like a perv when he first begins to follow her to the river. She bathes quietly, a small ways from camp where the river flows slowly and without worry. He sits from afar, not sure why he watches. But he does, and he has no idea why. Perhaps seeing her as vulnerable as she makes him feel makes things even between them? Something inside of him stirs when he watches her undress each time. He knows it is wrong, but he is too far past shame to stop now.

He sees her in a different way now when they spar. She is lithe in form, perfect in the way she moves. Perhaps it's that he knows what she looks like underneath her clothes, and he has more respect for the way her small body can match his own step-for-step in strength. Perhaps he's becoming undone by his hormones.

He's no idiot. He finds himself wanting her, the conflict in himself becoming so deep that he stops himself from following her to the river. The realization that he is attracted to everything about her is just as confusing as the hate that courses through his body when he even hears her voice. All of the things about her that he hates with a passion, he realizes, he is just as attracted to. It wrecks the small bits of stability he has left in his mind.

They have an odd relationship, mostly spent in silence. Luke pairs them together based on their skill level quite often. He gives them tasks to travel around the planet alone, and Ben feels as if their master is testing his restraint - testing how far he can push him without consequence. Ben fears he will snap Rey into two if provoked, but he thinks it will be a shame to destroy something that beautiful.

They are alone during their tasks. This time Luke is asking them to scout out an area of the planet that a foreign ship was seen in. Usually it is not this exciting. Supply drops or interacting with the local population was more or less their typical assignments. The voices in his head aren't as loud when he's around her. It's when he's alone at night or when she isn't talking that he hears them. They give him ways to get his attraction to her out of his system. On more than one occasion he has discreetly thought about how easy it would be to feed into the darkness he feels and hold her down and untie his pants and... He doesn't finish the thought, but it is there. But then she reminds him of the light inside of him when she smiles or laughs and the darkness dissipates. He feels the hope she has for him, even when he looks at the bruises and scars he gives her. The pain he has brought to her life makes him undeserving, unworthy. But she is the only one who has shown him any semblance of kindness in return for all his cruelty.

The foreign ship is a group of lost travelers with a broken navigation system. Rey does most of the talking, as Ben's version of negotiation usually leads to violence. He glares quietly at the men who praise her expertise as she repairs the thrusters on the ship. He wants to rip off the heads of all the stranded passengers every time they stare at her for too long. He folds his arms across his chest to hold back the violence brimming within. Ben is quite proud of this.

They watch as the ship leaves the planet, turning into a speck in the sky. It reminds him vaguely of watching the Falcon as a child.

"For the longest time the only memory I had was of being left of Jakku alone," she remarks out loud, almost mirroring his own thoughts. They have both been alone for far too long. He is quiet as they begin walking eastward, back toward their camp.

"At least no one pretended they loved you," he says, almost too low for her to hear. But she does. She has grown accustomed to the low hum of his voice, and how it would get lost in the background if she weren't listening close enough. But she does, because Ben Solo isn't like the others.

In the beginning she believes Ben is cruel and vile. He looks for trouble and he is overflowing with chaos in his mind. She wonders what Master Luke sees in him. His self destruction is evident, and it seems like he is spiraling out of control constantly. Then she realizes that he is what he is because he is terrified and lost. He puts on a tough facade, only to crumble the moment he stands adversity in the face. He is being overrun by darkness, and he has no idea. She can tell: he wants so badly to be good. But she cannot save him, only he can do it himself.

She takes the pain he gives her, knowing it is an extension of what he feels. It is not right, and she does not make excuses for his behavior. Rey knows the ferocity in which he attacks her during their practices, and she knows he reserves it especially for her. Because he hates her. She feels his eyes on him even after she is far away from him. She wonders what Luke would think, of how she pities the man who deserves no pity.

She does not miss the way he begins to become protective of her during their journeys through the planet. He glowers at other males nearby, a behavior unseen back at camp. She finds him staring at her, and though they never say much to each other, she can tell that something has changed between them. He looks at her with less loathing and more _want._ It sends a shiver down her spine. Maybe in some other universe this could have worked between them. In some other circumstances, where he did not carry the baggage he does and she does not fear he will break underneath a single touch from her. He is more fragile than he thinks.

They spar with their sabers again, alone without Luke's supervision this time. A voice in his head urges him to strike her down, but he blocks it out, instead choosing to match her own rhythm and dance that she did. He thinks he enjoys it, but it has been far too long since he enjoyed something to tell. He isn't sure if 'enjoying' is the correct name for the emotion he feels. All he knows is that it is a change from the void of hatred that he usually feels. He forgets where he is for a moment, with who he is with. Instead he focuses on their movements. He laughs, smiles even. He wonders if this is what peace feels like.

Their sabers are turned off, and Rey has a small smile on her face. It makes Ben's heart feel heavy, as if it were empty before. He tells himself that this is not hate any longer. Hate does not feel like this.

Ben is almost too far gone into the darkness of his mind when Rey invites him for a swim one day. It has been several days since they both bathed, and Ben nearly chokes at this invitation. It is so unprecedented - and he has no idea what he has done to earn such a thing. It crosses his mind that perhaps she knows that he has watched her before in these circumstances. Maybe this is a trick to guilt him into confessing it. Instead, his mind draws a blank and follows her to the river.

When she strips down to her undergarments, he can hardly breathe. She turns to him, silently lifting the corner of his shirt and pulling it over his head with a little bit of force. She looks to his pants briefly, before decidedly letting him figure out the rest.

He stills as she dips into the water, her body hidden beneath the steady current of the river. He is like a blind man who has seen for the first time, and he cannot stop watching. He wonders if this still is wrong like it was before when he watched. He can't figure out what the tightness in his gut is telling him, and briefly wonders if taking his shirt and leaving would be the best decision. Instead, Rey calm and balanced as ever, comes to the water's edge and extends a hand.

Ben does not dare protest. He slips into the cool water, pants and all. Despite the chill of the water, his body is hot and he is sweating. He is scared of the unknown, and this is most definitely uncharted territory.

Rey stays a safe distance away from him, crossing her arms over her chest and standing on the tips of her toes to keep herself in place as the current moves around them. He doesn't think she's thought this entirely through. He fears he will lose it and make a mistake that he cannot come back from. But her hand reaches out to touch his bare chest, and those thoughts are gone. Everything in his mind is gone.

He is afraid he will hurt her if he touches her back, but she fixes this issue - like she fixes so many. She come closer so that her lips are close to his, her body close enough to touch if Ben just wanted to reach out. She breathes for a few seconds, testing out how lethal the lack of space between them actually is. He wishes they could stay like this forever.

He is the first to close the gap, pressing his lips against hers. He moves his arms under the water to hold her hips so she doesn't have to worry about the current any longer. He is tall, and he is like an anchor in the water around them. They are slow with their motions, careful that they will not break each other with each new movement they try out. They fumble like the teens they are, inexperienced and curious. Ben is certain he will remember this moment until the day he dies.

For once, with steady hands, he feels the void in his heart left by his parents filled. He feels like he matters for a split second in time. The way Rey's arms have wrapped around his neck, resting her thin arms upon his broad shoulders, he feels like he has worth and meaning. He is not alone for once. Their kiss end as quickly as it began, and Rey simply rests her head beside his, leaning her body into his own. He doesn't know what this means between them, but he knows this is not hate.

They exchange few words when they are together, but there is more of a sense of understanding between them because of it. She knows Ben and his internal conflict are constantly at war with each other. She knows each time he receives a message from his mother, he burns it in the embers of the camp's fire. His father rarely sends messages, and the gifts aren't much better than the alcohol he was given when he was 16. Han Solo may have been great at many things, but he was a terrible father.

"Do you hear them too?" he asks Rey one night. Luke is gone, somewhere off planet. He does not ask where, but he is certain Rey knows.

"Hear who?" she is confused.

Ben wonders if he should just drop it before she believes he is crazy. But that's exactly what the voice in his mind is telling him to do, and he is feeling defiant. "Voices, in your head."

She thinks he is talking about his conscience, but Ben relents, "No, like someone else is trying to invade my thoughts and," he thinks for a moment, "they're planting ideas. I don't want to hear them. Not anymore."

It's the most he's spoken in a long time to her, and she is surprised by it. She questions him about what they tell him, and that is when he reverts back into himself, as if all the progress they have shared has been shattered. His voice is like steel, hardened at the edge and anger coursing through his veins. He stands over her and tells her what she wishes to hear.

"They tell me to hurt you, defile you, kill you, in all sorts of ways," he admits with a snarl, "How stupid you are to trust me, to see any hope in me. How pathetic you are, and how alone you will always be."

His words sting, and Rey feels herself questioning the trust she has established with him in the first place.

"You wouldn't do those things though." Her voice is steadfast and true, like she truly believes there is good still left inside of him. Jedi don't have these thoughts.

"You think I have not thought about it? I dream of it."

He knows he should have told Luke about the voices the moment they had begun, all those years ago. But not even Rey could save him now. He feels empty.

They go days without speaking, which is quite normal for both of them. Except this time Ben feels like there is something unsaid between them that needs to be addressed. He knows he is a monster, but he is far too afraid to admit it. As if admitting it would change everything.

He lies awake in his tent at the edge of the woods when he hears his tent flap become undone. It is a quiet sound, but he immediately knows it is Rey before he can even see her. In silence, she crawls into the small canvas room, and Ben moves onto his side to afford her room next to him. Rey situates herself in front of him, and she maneuvers his arm so that it is wrapped around her middle. He lets a deep sigh out that he did not know he was holding in. He breathes into her hair, the back of her head resting just below his neck. He doesn't even want to sleep, he's enjoying this so much.

Rey is like a light in his life. If he were a lost wanderer, she would be his north star, pointing him to the right direction in an abyss of darkness. For once, during their shared nights he feels like the darkness isn't growing inside of him. He learns that it is far easier to be an asshole to her. It comes naturally, even. But it is worth it far more to feel the light inside of him grow. To do the right thing for once.

His mother comes unannounced on his 18th birthday. He is sleeping soundly with Rey beside him in utter bliss. The sound of a spacecraft's engine drawing nearer wakes Rey first, the sound putting her on edge. She shakes Ben's shoulder to wake him before she crawls out of the tent to investigate. It is a huge ship, barely big enough to fit in the clearing that their small crowd of tents was nestled in.

Leia Organa is a commanding presence. Rey has heard of her during her time on the base of the Resistance before she joined Luke as a force-sensitive use. However, nothing can prepare her for General Organa in the flesh. It's only when she stares at the woman that she realizes that this is Ben's mother. Suddenly, many things about him make sense.

Ben is still like a statue when he comes out of the tent, immediately knowing somehow that she was here. Her mouth is a thin line and her eyes are weary. She has aged significantly since he has last seen her. Her hair is graying and the wrinkles under her eyes are visible. He doesn't know whether to feel fury or detachment when facing this woman - this woman who just left him here. Instead, he feels Rey's hand crawl into his own and he gains enough composure to steady himself for the time being.

He has so much to say to his mother, so much to ask her and to hate her for. But she beats him to it before he can even speak.

"He's dead," is the first thing out of Leia Organa's mouth. Ben's scowl turns to confusion at first, before the light in his eyes disappears and is filled with pain. He knows at once what this means. Han Solo is dead. Ben does not ask what sort of fate became of his father. He imagines that it was something admirable and story-worthy, but he knows he is kidding himself. Han Solo was a hero to everybody who knew him, except his own son. And even in death that would remain with Ben.

She does not hug her son or console him. She is cold and brazen, and it is then that Rey knows despite having the illusion of a family around him, Ben has always felt alone, juggled between two lovers who could never work out parenting.

Leia stays overnight, but Ben does not leave his tent. Rey finds him lying on his bedroll staring at an old photograph. She decides she does not want to risk suffocating him. Instead, she sits by the fire with the General of the Resistance, listening to the woman ask Luke questions about her son. Rey can see how she desperately wants to know how her son is doing, and there is a loving, worried tone to her questions. The General loves Ben, but she just has no idea how to give it to him.

Luke answers her questions before differing to Rey, explaining that they had been paired up for most of their training. She answers various questions about their control of the force and how their training has been going. She explains they mostly do small tasks on the planet for Luke, but they have both earned their lightsabers and are nearing the end of their apprenticeships.

"Does he ever talk about me?" Leia's face is sad, and it reminds her of the way Ben's face looks often.

Rey answers honestly, "No." She looks away so that she does not have to see the General's reaction to her response. She does not forsake Leia for failing as a mother.

Ben does not come out to bid his mother farewell before she leaves. Instead, Rey is given a file for a hologram and a handheld projector for it. She leaves it near his pillow as he sleeps, and leaves him alone for the rest of the day. Rey hears him stir later during the night, and the sound of a man's voice plays over and over again from Ben's tent. She feels the despair radiate from the canvas he hides himself in, the recording playing on repeat. He is in pain. She gives him space.

Ben is in a dark place when they resume training with Master Luke. He barely hears her cry out as his saber cuts through her thigh, and Rey pushes back with a jab of her own into his ribcage. They do not yield as Luke tells them to stop. He slices again with rage, forcing their master to step back and arm himself with his own saber. The old master breaks one of Ben's swings midway with a parry, disarming the teen before he could even react. Rey startles, turning off her own lightsaber and dropping to one knee, clutching her thigh.

Ben is barely reacting to the pain at his side, instead he stares at where he has injured her and shakes his head, "I'm so sorry." He repeats it over and over again as Luke leaves them.

He applies bacta to her wound first, his mind wrecked with grief that he had done this. He takes off his shirt and does the same to himself afterword, wordlessly wrapping his arms around Rey when he finishes up. He holds her tight, as if he is afraid she will see him like the rest of the world does. He does not think she is sane for not giving up on him, after seeing his rage. But she relents, for whatever reason. He would be nothing but darkness if not for her.

He would do anything to be good, if only for her.

Luke tells them he is leaving for a long trip. Despite his miscues and his rage, their master pronounces them full-fledged Jedi before leaving. For this reason, Ben senses that this will be the last time they see Luke. Like he is saying goodbye and leaving their newly given titles as a parting gift. He tells them that the other Jedi will be moved to the Resistance Headquarters to complete their training.

Rey and Ben are shipped off with the rest of the training Jedi to HQ. Ben feels sick. It has been years since he has returned to the place he once called home, and he dreads it. As a Jedi, he is now at the disposal of the Resistance, bonded in servitude. Right back where he started, taking his mother's orders.

"We don't have to go there," Ben reminds Rey the night before they leave. Their things are packed up and they are the last of the Jedi to leave the planet. A shuttle with some rations is the only sign of life to accompany them. They will take it in the morning, whether Ben wants to or not.

Rey laughs, "We have to. No way we could leave without them stopping us."

He sits up on his arms, his brows knitted together, "What would stop us?"

And then the idea buds in his mind. A forbidden idea that would forsake the only family he has left. A way out, more importantly. Ben suddenly sees the light at the end of the dark tunnel and his mind is convinced at once.

"I'm not going back," he mutters to himself. He cannot even begin to suggest to her to drop all of her hard work and just leave with him. He knows she cannot. The way she does not answer his question stings, and he understands that she isn't going to be joining him.

Silence grows, and she frowns, "I'm sorry," she chokes out.

He keeps the pain at bay while she is still around, but he knows the moment they part it will flood into his system. He holds her close, trying to memorize how this feels, and how he knows he will never feel again.

"What will you do?" Rey asks him, pensive.

Ben does not want to answer, but his lips to anyway, "Hide out, travel. The life of a Jedi in servitude is not one for me."

Rey nods, trying not to break in front of him. He can't have her do that. She has always been so strong and sturdy, even when he himself tried to break her. He cannot have her break in front of him, or else he cannot do this. Thankfully, she remains calm externally, calming the storm inside of her.

He does not sleep, instead watching the moons move through the sky and to the horizon. He dreads it as the sun begins to peek through the valleys of the mountains and signals a new day. Slowly, he untangles himself from her and gathers his things. He leaves a communication to the Resistance HQ requesting another shuttle be sent to the planet. He cannot bare to say goodbye.

"I love you," he says quietly before boarding the shuttle. Rey cannot watch as another ship leaves her alone on another lonesome planet.

He wants so badly to be good, but he always fucks it up.

* * *

 **a/n - feel free to kick my ass for that ending. Leave a review kicking my ass even.**


End file.
